


When

by Furydeath



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:23:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7887547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furydeath/pseuds/Furydeath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perhaps in another lifetime where she wasn’t blinded by his unnatural beauty and the world has sustained its sanity, she would have realized.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When

Happily ever afters don't _exist_.

Obsession overtook her reason and chaos was born.

Perhaps in another lifetime where she wasn’t blinded by his unnatural beauty and the world has sustained its sanity, she would have realized.

In a world without magic and monsters, she would have been scared as Charlie led her into the police station to report her stalker. She would have shifted her weight uncomfortably, with the officer’s eyes on her judging, assessing for the truth her accusations, flushing with shame and deep-seated anger.

But reality was another matter.

When she found out that he had been stalking her in her bedroom watching her sleep, she ignored the creepiness of the situation. She played it off and convinced herself that their love was unstoppable and this only showed how much they belong together.  Underneath how  _flattered_  she was to have beautiful Edward Cullen pursued a relationship with her _~~plain, unforgettable, normal, boring,~~ _ she was afraid of him and what he was capable if she said “no.”

When he told her that he was unable to read her mind, her shoulder relaxed the tension that had built up grateful for the bit of privacy that she was able to keep. The moments after he had revealed his ability she had panic knowing that her thoughts doubted, at times, their love. She didn’t think it was healthy for them to create a world that revolved around them. She didn’t want him to know that she didn’t know the meaning of “love” even though she would declare her love to him every night influence by dazzling topaz eyes nor that she was concerned about the  _age gap_ between them. She had prepared herself for the onslaught of accusation and rejection. She hated how dependent she had become of him and how lost she felt at the thought of their separation. Logically, she knew that she had survived sixteen years before he came into her life, but she couldn’t fathom life without him. Her gratefulness was accompanied by hopelessness at the thought of being tied to him  _forever_ (regardless if she was turned or not.)

When she was almost killed by James, she secretly agreed with Rosaline. Her life wasn’t worth the trouble or the risk. “Why prolong something that was going to happen?” It confirmed her suspicion that Edward would turn her regardless of his want to conserve her soul. Her near-death experience made her realize that death was achievable in more ways than just the soul leaving its husk.  

When Edward left her in the forest, she thought her life was over. She had spent so much time that her world had become  _him_.  She thought he had taken her heart with him. She told anybody who would listen to her that her life was over and that there was nobody who could ever replace him  _when her life had just begun_.  A part of her was happy that her happiness no longer depended on a person and that she free to make her own choices. Freedom smelled like lemongrass tea Renee would make her when she got sick. It felt like adulthood with independence and a sliver of fear.  A week after Edward left, she drove to the beach and lay down enjoying the feeling of her toes wiggling in the sand, the cool breeze that made her hat flutter, and the  _moment of just being_.

When Jacob kissed her, she saw endless opportunities open up to her. She saw herself with many lovers of different backgrounds who help her grow as a person and explore many facets of life. She witnessed her heart being broken over again and how her friends would comfort her with cookie dough ice cream and homemade pizzas. She watched in awe as she grew stronger and older with no care of the crinkles in her eyes.  She saw as she died surrounded by family. She punched him because she was angry at herself for being too afraid to live.

When Renee told her that he was a “keeper,” she was nauseated at the reminder of her eternity.

When Jacob begged her to choose life ~~, not him~~ , she chose death. 

“It doesn’t do well to obsess over  _what ifs”_ Bella reminds herself as Alice helps her into her beautiful gown.  She lies to herself when she realizes the uneasiness is not at the thought of having to walk down the aisle, but at marrying Edward. Her uneasiness increases when she recognizes that it’s not a result of Renee bad mouthing marriage and commitment at every opportunity or uneasiness tingled with nervousness and excitement at beginning a new chapter with the love of her life, but rather something else.

It’s not until she is about to fall asleep on the airplane on their way to Esme Island that she is able to identify that  _something else._ She wakes up twenty minutes later drenched in sweat frightened and startled at the images that kept flashing her. Edward hovers over her and brings her into his arms.  Bella shivers at the cold and allows herself for a moment to wish for a different choice. 

(A different choice would have granted her endless possibilities. It would have given her freedom and independence. Fifty-three years later as she grows tired of having to repeat High School, she yearns for the simplicity that she used to have when she was a human. She misses waking up to the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip muffins and sounds of Charlie getting ready to go to work. She is saddened by her strength and  _frozen in state._ She learns to hate being a vampire and resentment sprouts at the humans she is surrounded by reminding her of what she can’t have and of what she lost, but most of all she learns to hate herself and her choices. )

When she realizes that she missed her period, she counts herself lucky and makes an effort to enjoy all that Esme Island has to offer (after all it is her honeymoon.) She stops obsessing and overanalyzing her decision to become undead. She thinks once the unnecessary stress is gone her cycle will return to normal. It’s not until she notices a small bulge popping out that she panics. She stares in horror at the swelling of her stomach and  _screams_.

Two months later, she regrets her decision to keep  _it_. 

They tell her that, weeks after she has given birth and is able to keep her bloodlust at bay, the  _baby_  ripped her spine into two and her heart had given up during labor.

She doesn’t know what to think, so she doesn’t say anything when they ask her if she wants to meet  ~~it~~  the baby. She feels herself be enveloped in a calming horror and repulsion. After all, she had already figured out, but she refused to admit it:

_There was nothing glamorous about being dead._

She stares out the window and waits for eternity to pass.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoy the story! =)


End file.
